Growth in the Darkness

I think a lot of us will look back on 2020 and find that this year changed us in ways we didn’t see coming.

For me, it’s been a year of incredible loss. I’ve already mentioned losing both of my grandparents; my grandma in March and my grandpa in July.

I said goodbye to some friendships. It’s one thing to lose a loved one to death. It’s quite another to lose someone you don’t want to, yet you know the two of you are on separate paths and their energy has become toxic for you.

Both types of loss hurt. Both require grieving.

I finally admitted that I battle more than depression. I have anxiety that, among other things, manifests itself as OCD. It’s not nearly as humorous as it’s portrayed on TV.

I’ve struggled with being able to concentrate, and feeling guilty because lately it’s hard for me to sit and just do one thing.

Yet, there’s been incredible good.

Recognizing my anxiety triggers, and how to combat them, is one of the things I’m most proud of.

I’m learning that it’s fine to sit and do one thing. I don’t need to have multiple things at once. I am allowed to focus on one thing I enjoy at a time. I’m allowed to think about NOTHING if I have time to myself and wish to do so. I’m allowed to stay in bed half an hour later on the weekends.

I’ve spent this year finding a balance between being gentle to myself, while also calling myself out on my bullshit.

I know that I have a small, special circle of friends that love me. They don’t require an explanation if I am quiet.

I’m still a writer even if I occasionally have writer’s block.

I’m still an artist even if I have hard days where I don’t want to pick up my pencil.

I’m still a booklover even if I get overwhelmed and my thoughts race and it’s hard to concentrate. (I still read more books than I did last year, which I consider a huge win.)

I am still making incredible strides emotionally, personally, professionally.

I’m ending 2020 knowing I have the strength to polish myself into who I want to be.