Year of Patience

This time of year just feels like a free fall, doesn’t it? Like you’ve stepped off the edge of a mountain, and you’re careening down, praying you don’t hit a snow-capped tree. I thought October went by quickly, but November bested its sibling.

Of course, getting the required annual flu will make the time zip by. It does that when you’re sleeping your days away. Yet, there was a lot of good to be had this month. I was thankfully healed up enough (and not contagious!) by Thanksgiving, so I was able to see family and friends. I finished another stitching project I’m proud of, one that will delight the recipient. I’ve read some really good books and done some jigsaw puzzles and logic puzzles and danced and generally felt, sickness aside, pretty damn super.

And I’m still writing.

And I’m still grateful.

This has been a year of learning patience. Practically overnight, I went from being someone who was constantly energetic and present in the world, to being weak, lethargic, and in so much pain I couldn’t even shower without feeling lightheaded. I received treatment, but it took several months before I improved. I remember the day I finally felt strong enough to go on an all-day outing. How relieved and humbled I was. Realizing it’s very possible I’ll have to deal with these health issues again at some point.

I’ve seen so many things written about the importance of taking time to recharge, and I always thought I had that down to a science. Turns out, I didn’t. I thought doing several things in my down time was enough. Because I was taught, like so many others, that worthiness is tied to producing. To love the grind. To hustle. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

A couple years ago, I went through the mental shift of being someone heavy who had lost weight, but still viewed herself as a heavy person on the inside.

Now I’ve gone through the mental shift of knowing that I’m still worthy, even if I need rest. Even if there are days I can’t “produce” things and the best I can do is simply get better. My recharge days look very different now, and I no longer feel guilty about it.

Despite the trials this year presented, becoming my own fiercest ally was a worthwhile award.